When life gets tough and I mean really tough. When all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and hide from the world, when I just can't face getting up and out of bed, when the only thing I feel is loneliness even when I'm surrounded by many people.That's when life is at its worse and I struggle to pull myself out of that deep, dark hole, and believe me I've had to do it too many times to count. I didn't have it easy growing up, blamed the small town I grew up in with its narrow minded communities, I blamed it on being English in an Afrikaans school, oh yes I found loads of excuses and lots of wrong things but I never found answers to solutions. I just survived, just went through the motions and finally it was time to leave that small town and spread my wings.
I headed towards the city where I thought I would find instant happiness, and oh yes I did find some of that happiness but it was short lived as life threw new obstacles my way. Again I learnt to survive and just get by, I picked myself up, rebuilt what was broken and moved on. Never fully dealing with the root of what was wrong.
The loneliness got to me, fuelled by my insecurities and what I thought were shortcomings. What I failed to see was the good in me, the "gifts" I brought to the table. I forgot to believe in myself as a person.
Oh I knew I could achieve what I set out to do, reach my goals but when it came down to the route of who I was inside I didn't know who that was and therefore I didn't like what I saw. All I saw was failure and anger when instead I should have seen my own worth. How could I ever have expected others to see my value when I kept it hidden and when I had lost faith in myself?
I have had to cut my losses, say many goodbyes, deal with a lot of hurt and dissapointment during my 26 years here on earth. But my biggest hurt and dissapointment was in myself with myself...for not feeling worthy!
I had to be "ruined" before I took the road to transformation and it has been a rocky road but one that I am extremely grateful to as it has taught me some valuable lessons and has made me the strong person I am today!
I look at challenges differently, I see them as opportunities to test myself, learn a few new things, to shape and develop my character and even meet people who would compliment my life. My past is what brought me to my future and my future is bright.
Ruin is the road to transformation when you accept the journey.